Cup #10: Cup of Death

Today is Halloween, and what better way to celebrate than with Death himself.

While most people probably only consider Death a being of human existence, Death actually has many forms. In fact, every living thing on this planet has its own form of Death that shows up when their time is passed. And, unbeknownst to most, there is also a Cup of Death.

Cup of Death visits most cups when someone is done drinking from them and they serve no further purpose. When tossed aside and forgotten, Cup of Death swoops down to claim his prize.

Cup of Death HATES reusable cups and absolutely despises coffee mugs, as they are used almost daily and most humans are far too attached to theirs to ever get rid of them, even if they aren't used on a regular basis anymore. Cup of Death has several "World's Best Grandma" mugs that he's been waiting so long to deliver his sweet kiss to, but instead they hide on a shelf, or some even on a display rack, taunting him with each day that passes. They may be collecting dust, but they are still untouchable and Cup of Death often throws tantrums when he considers the irony of it all.

Cup of Death is currently particularly bothered by the legion of Cup Creatures surrounding him. Clearly they are finished being used as beverage vessels, and yet they live--crowding around him, somehow finding a higher purpose in life and barely escaping his grasp. Maybe some day he will have them, but for now he sits. And he waits.

Cup #9: Emanuel

This is Emanuel. Emanuel was a paperboy in a small, quiet southern California neighborhood. Every day he would go out on his bicycle and toss papers at the houses on the unnaturally dangerous and busy street, full of kids rolling tires, stray babies rushing down the sidewalk in runaway carriages, and men carrying a giant sheet of glass that could never seem to decide where they should put it.

On one Halloween many years ago, Emanuel was delivering papers as fast as he could so that he could get home and prepare his costume to go trick-or-treating with his friends. In his haste, Emanuel accidentally hit a large dirt mound and ramped off of it, landing in the yard of an old gothic church and crashing his bike into the side of a fire-spitting gargoyle statue. Emanuel's bike was ruined, and he was so scared and panicked that he ran blindly towards the sidewalk, where a giant green monster arm came out of a storm drain and grabbed him. Poor Emanuel died from fright.

Emanuel now haunts the very grounds he died on, floating around just in front of the porch of the old church. He mostly minds his own business, but any time a paperboy rides by, he will not pass up the opportunity to chase after him (without going out of the yard) and scream his signature howl, which sounds more or less like a small dog passing gas.

Cup #8: Jack O'Daniels

Jack O'Daniels was a kind, quiet man, but unfortunately a childhood accident involving some McDonald's coffee that was hotter than he anticipated scarred and disfigured his face. This accident left him with very few friends growing up, as well as the dreaded "Photo Not Available" box each year in the school yearbook--despite the peculiar fact that he indeed did get his photo taken every time. Not one to let his physical irregularities define him as a person, Jack did his best to maintain a happy lifestyle. Once he reached college, however, one fateful Halloween at a Frat party Jack decided to accept a dare in order to impress his peers and hopefully find a girlfriend (or at least a girl who didn't fake a family emergency as soon as he made eye contact with her). Heading to the local cemetery, Jack stuck a hallowed-out pumpkin on his head and navigated blindly through the graves and recited an ancient chant involving the words, "drink," "party," "whoa," and "ancient evil spirit." Stumbling into a mausoleum, Jack accidentally triggered a magical rune in the form of a goblet and, in a swirl of light and fire, his head transformed into a hybrid between the enormous gourd he was wearing and his uniquely twisted facial features. Stuck in this form forever, Jack now resides in the mausoleum and only emerges once a year on the 31st of October, when he can freely walk the streets and fit in with the crowd. It's the only day of the year that he gets compliments, and it's the day he lives for and looks forward to.

The rest of the year, Jack spends his time making calls as a telemarketer for vacation timeshares and enjoying games of hide and seek with his blind girlfriend, Jill the Ripper.

(It'd probably look a lot better if I had an orange marker to color the entire cup with. But I don't! This is what you get and you better enjoy it!)

Cup #7: Brenda

Is the cup half-empty or half-full? With Brenda, it's filled to the brim, teetering to the point that if you dropped a shotglass into it you'd have quite the mess on your hands.

Brenda is a wealthy socialite who, despite being in her mid 60's, still likes to party like she's back at her prestigious Ivy League university using all of daddy's money to finance her horticulture degree and collection of vintage wines. She is the type of girl who refuses to settle down and is always determined to look better than the other girls around that are less than half of her age. Believing she's "still got it," Brenda often can be found on hotel bars trying make new friends whilst wearing enough makeup to pass as either a mime or a birthday party entertainer. Depressed and lonely after her husband left her when he realized that she was good for nothing but spending his money (and also not aging nearly as well as the bourbon she constantly stores inside), Brenda does her best to uphold her "holier than thou" appearance, but sadly falls short of that goal when she falls asleep on a barstool in a puddle of gin and cigarette butts.

(I decided to use color for the first time with this cup, limited by my restricted assortment of markers and highlighters already sitting at my desk. Some cups in the future will have color, when appropriate, while others may stick to the self-proclaimed "classic" black and white style of the first run.)

Cup #6: Donnie

This is Donnie. Donnie has a problem. Donnie has what scientists call an Overactive Bladder. That means that when he has even the slightest amount of liquid inside him, he feels like he can't hold anymore and needs to let it all out. Unfortunately, this also means that Donnie can't keep a girlfriend--not because he's always tipping over to let out some juice, but because he never stops making this horrible face. Ever.

Cup #5: Atticus

This is Atticus. He's a sipster. What's a sipster, you ask? Basically, a sipster is a hippie with no agenda other than to be "unique." And, by unique, I mean that he looks exactly like all other sipsters.

Self-important and obsessed with how he looks at all times (while trying to make it seem as if he actually doesn't care at all), Atticus can be found riding his bicycle everywhere he goes, usually listening to music by a band that you've probably never heard of. He likes photography, but doesn't own a camera. Instead, he takes all of his photos on his iPhone and uses a program to apply "retro" filters to them to make them look like they were taken with a crappy Polaroid in an overexposed environment somehow washed with a yellow tint from no identifiable source.

Sure, Atticus may seem cordial and approachable, but don't let the beard and thick-rimmed glasses fool you. I hope for your sake that if you ever speak to him, you dare not mention that you enjoy anything mainstream or he'll blow cigarette smoke in your face and scoff in your general direction. "What? You drive a car? That's so uncool and bad for the environment. You eat meat? How unethical. You shower regularly? You're nothing but a sheep of society, lost in the flock of mediocrity. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to buy a new pair of Nikes and then shop for some obscure records to add to my collection that I can't actually listen to because I don't physically own a turntable."

[UPDATE!]

Atticus was on his iPad earlier and saw the photo of himself on the blog. He decided that it wasn't unique enough and sent me this one to use instead. Typical.

Cup #4: Broth

Remember Sloth from The Goonies? Well, this isn't him. Meet Broth.

Blissfully unaware and full of wonder, Broth has the mind of a 8-year old and loves Willie Mays candy bars. Broth has always been a jovial, kind spirit, and he really enjoys wearing Batman shirts and acting like a ninja. Rumor has it that Broth once was involved in a treasure hunt of sorts with some of his friends, but when confronted about this ostensible adventure he always simply yells, "Hello, everyone!" and then laughs to himself about it for several minutes. How could anyone not like this guy?

"BROTH LOVE LUMP!"